I loved the stories about romance and passionate love. Not the Fabio, hair blowing in the breeze, but real passion between two people. (Nothing against Fabio, I'm sure he's quite nice, just not my type, lol) I clung to those stories with all my might because they were what I wanted to find.
Fast forward through years of burying myself in those romance novels, I wanted what I was reading...someone who would only want me, who would obsess about me, need me...and I was ready to give it back 1000%. I wanted them to own me heart and soul and allow me to serve them to my heart's content. But I never saw others in our relationship, to me that just ruined everything,
When I met my Master 2 and 1/2 years ago, I fell really hard, really fast. He was the first person I had ever let myself fall in love with. After we had been together as Master and slave for a little less than a year, He told me that He was interested in having others in the relationship. But...wait...this didn't fit in with my dreams at all... but it was too late. He has my heart and soul, my submission, my surrender. I was and AM His slave.
So for the last year and a half I have been really working on myself to embrace this lifestyle He wants. To what level others will be in O/our lives I don't know, it is not for me to decide. It may be just sexual, He may meet someone He wants to own, He may meet several He wants to own, but regardless of which it is, I will work on myself to embrace it, encourage it and do everything in my power to make Him happy. It's not easy but I want to do this, I NEED to do this. It's who I am.
Last night, things took another bit of a change... He came out of the bathroom with one of my novels in His hand. "What kind of book is this?" He asked me with a smile. "Is it one of those silly sitting on the rock with the hair blowing in the breeze type novels?"
I tried to explain to Him about the book, which is actually one of my favorites, but then He told me that He wanted me to start reading books that were more in line with what Our lives were and where they were headed. I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, because I knew what that meant. I didn't WANT to read books about threesomes and open relationships and Masters with tons of slaves. :( What's special about that? I was devastated inside and felt physically sick, but I didn't fight Him. I never would do that.
He went through Amazon, looking for books that He felt would be good for me to read and sent me the list, telling me to choose 3-5 of them and send them back. There was a combination of fiction and non fiction. One of them was from one of my favorite authors, Anneke Jacob, so I listed that one as my first choice. Master had listed a couple of non fiction books about open relationships, slavery and poly, so I chose two of those so I could work on learning about this lifestyle that He wants so much.
I didn't choose any of the threesome fiction books He listed. I had looked over them but they just didn't sound romantic and loving...it was just.. I don't know. I was afraid of them. Way too outside my cocoon of comfort that I had buried myself in for over 30 years.
He sent the list back after I had sent Him my choices with a correction. He wanted me to read one of the threesome fictions. Okay, this must be REALLY important to Him that I read this type of book. So I downloaded it last night and will start reading it tonight.
It's hard for me. He doesn't want me reading romance novels anymore unless they correlate with the life He wants. He feels it isn't conducive to my mentality and as much as I hate to say it...I know He is right. I can very easily live in a fantasy world, but that's wrong, it's not fair to Him and it certainly isn't good for my mentality when it comes to serving Him.
I will miss those romance novels. But they made me secretly wish for my life to be like that. Monogamous, Him only wanting me... but serving myself is not my purpose in life, it is to serve HIM, make HIM happy.
I will throw myself into learning and embracing the life He wants as much as possible until I am not scared, hurting, waiting for Him to meet someone and leave me.
I will admit, when I think about others in the relationship, it doesn't feel special, it doesn't feel close, it feels like... I don't know what it feels like. It feels like I will be constantly faced with people He wants and needs more.
I'm terrified inside that what we have will be destroyed by others, but I am His slave, and what I fear or worry about needs to be put in the background while I concentrate on becoming the best I can.
This is a deeper level of slavery for me. I've hidden in these romance novels for pretty much my whole life, this isn't easy to just walk away from them. But it will make me a stronger slave, it will please my Master and it'll make me delve even deeper into this life that I couldn't live without; one of serving and pleasing Him to the best of my ability every single day.
I can do this and I WILL do this to perfection. It'll just take work on my part.
