Over the last couple of weeks it has gotten worse, especially the comparing myself to His former sub. i have been afraid that there were still major feelings there between Him and her, and it was tearing me up inside. A friend of mine pointed out the obvious to me, which is that she is a FORMER sub for a reason, and Master has said those same words to me, but nothing was helping.
I was in a tailspin spiral for many reasons. i have never been THIS open and vulnerable to anyone before, never trusted anyone with ALL of my secrets, flaws, fears...i was raw and exposed....and absolutely terrified. Master assured me that they were just friends, but i kept thinking i was "seeing" something and i couldn't or wouldn't let it go and it kept haunting me. i would ask Him if she had emailed Him that day, hurting inside that i HAD to ask instead if Him wanting to share it with me, forgetting my place in that Master shares what He wants to share and what He feels is important for me to know, not what I feel is important.
I had totally convinced myself that He was not over her and used it as an excuse to back away... or TRY to back away. Always the wild filly trying to run away... and He is always my Cowboy Master who knows how to tame me, how to be patient with me so that i walk back towards Him.
We talked today on IM, and through His patience, and some irritation as well, He told me i HAD to start believing Him and stop looking for reasons to run. He also told me that i needed to stop writing a horrible ending to a story W/we have just begun.
It was tearing me up to "argue" about something so...so senseless. i didn't want to pull away, i didn't want to run... i just wanted to stop being terrified. Stop waiting for Him to tell me He was going back to her.
i am calmer now... more centered... i am giving Master ownership of my fears and terrors. Only HE can allow me to take those things on, otherwise i will just replace them with thoughts of His ownership and His control over me.
He is patient, and i know through this i tried that patience....i didn't mean to but it doesn;t stop the fact that i did. Am i completely without fear? No. Do i still worry that they are talking all day or even some of the day? Yes... i am not happy with my answer, but i'm not going to lie about it... and then the last question...
Do i trust my Master? ahhhh the million dollar question right there. Do i trust my Master? yes....yes i do. So that makes all this comparing and worrying useless. Despite the terror and fear, that really is the bottom line. If He tells me He is over her, i need to believe Him. If He tells me He is NOT going back, i need to believe Him. Sometimes trust is an action, it involves actively doing something to show that trust. What i can do is not sit and wait for Master to hurt me, and keep my eyes on HIM where they belong.
i can SHOW Him that i trust Him and not just "say" it.
it's official, i'm not easy or pleasing all the time. i'm fairly certain i can say that i wasn't being very pleasing as i freaked out and tried to build more walls. But like He usually does, He got through them and down they came and i am back where i belong...at His feet, at the end of His reins, ready to follow Him anywhere He leads.
Oh the circle of comparison...I think that we all get stuck in it sometimes and it's a really hard place to be--because we only compare ourselves to people/things we see as possibly being better than us, or that we think they might find better, in some way.
ReplyDeleteI think you are exactly right--trust is an action. But it isn't always easy!