Lessons learned in 2013 and where i'm headed from here...

Despite all of the tremendous challenges that 2013 contained, it's impossible to go to sleep and wake up in my Master's arms every night and morning and be anything but massively thankful for it all. And i would go through every bit of it again to be with Him every day like i am lucky enough to be now.

i have learned SO much about myself this last year, some good, some not as good...but ALL of it afforded me lessons that i feel are priceless. The best part of it all, is that i actually learned the lessons i feel i was meant to learn from all this.

One of the major, incredibly good things i learned is that Master and i are absolutely PERFECT for each other. It's not that i doubted that, but those who have known me since i've been on Fetlife and witnessed the crash and burns i repeatedly put myself through in the past, know what i mean when i say, with a bit of awe...that i FINALLY did something right when i begged to be Master's slave in 2012. There is no one in this Universe more perfect to be my Master and the love of my life than Him.

The things W/we have been through the last part of 2013 would have possibly torn apart couples newly together like W/we were, and maybe even those that had been together decades, yet we came out of it stronger, more in love (if that's possible, lol) and more committed to each other than ever. W/we never fought, never went after each other, never even argued. Instead W/we held onto each other and lifted each other up when the other was struggling and never once did W/we waver in O/our dedication to who W/we are together and who W/we will always be.

It is through those struggles that W/we discovered things about ourselves that have ignited a fire in each of U/us that is exciting to experience together. Some days, when W/we would sit and look at each other, sometimes in despair, not knowing quite what to do next, the ONE thing W/we could always say to each other was... W/we are meant for each other and W/we WILL get through this. And damn it...WE DID!!!!
W/we have both learned about positive thinking, the poison of negativity and how to eliminate negative people and circumstances from O/our lives. It's an incredible feeling.

Both of U/us are excited for 2014...for implementing the things W/we have learned, for having new and exciting experiences together, for growing even closer and more deeply connected, for watching O/our business take off and for reaching all the goals W/we have in place. It's going to be a kick butt year!

With that being said...one of the major things i am letting go of is my "fat girl shield". There are very few in my life who will understand what i mean by that. In fact, there may not be anyone, since at the moment, i can't remember if i've talked about that with anyone else but Master.

At any rate...for a LONG LONG time now, i have used being overweight as a means of protection. Protection from hurt, from rejection, from advances i never knew how to back away from, from the pain of situations i simply didn't understand how i even got into them, but never could get out. This fat girl shield was my scapegoat, my excuse for why i was continually hurt, she was my fall back.

To be honest, i MISS who i was physically before i discovered that fat girl shield protected me. i miss feeling sexy and beautiful and making heads turn. Because of my Master, and what W/we have developed together, i am not afraid to let go of the fat girl shield and send her packing for good.

i have finally realized that i don't need that fall back...i don't need the ready made excuse for why He hurt me, (well of course He hurt me, just LOOK at me...that's what the fat girl shield allowed me to say to myself as the hurts kept coming in my life) The concept that i am still stunned to realize but i know in my soul that is true is... HE'S NOT GOING TO HURT ME... i can't even begin to explain what a beautiful, albeit foreign thing this is for me to realize.

So... as a result of letting go and not hiding anymore, i am embarking on the hardest training/conditioning/getting-back-to-what-i-am-supposed-to-look-like program of my life. i am all set...eating plan in place, exercise plan in place, mental attitude in place, emotional state in place and i am ready. It's all starts tomorrow, Jan 1st, 2014 and the day before my 45th birthday!

i KNOW it's going to be hard, i KNOW i will want to scream sometimes...but it's also going to be the most rewarding, freeing, exciting thing i've ever done for myself AND for the Man i am completely, head over heels, FOREVER in love with... because if not for Him, i would STILL be hiding, still be shielding myself and not being everything i was meant to be... and because of Him, and His love for me and the way He has held my heart and soul in His hands, i am able to show Him my REAL self, the one i've hidden from the world for over 15 years now, inside AND out.

I wish EVERYONE a beautiful, exciting 2014... You'll be hearing a lot and SEEING a lot from me in the weeks and months ahead, so be watching! ;-)

21 days, 21 hours and 1 minute...

That's how long until i am back where i belong, back where i breathe freely, where i am safe, loved, held in His arms, blissfully held in unbreakable chains that encircle my heart and soul. Those chains know no bounds, and they are just as strong in His absence as they are when i am at His feet, but without Him here, i move through my day with a feeling of unbalance that shakes me.

Oh, how i belong to this Man, this Master that is so deep inside me, i feel His breath in my lungs and His blood running through my veins. i can't imagine life not being His, not serving Him with every cell of my being...and i don't want to imagine it.

It's cloudy and raining outside...i love listening to the rain when W/we are wrapped in each others arms at night. Now it is reminiscent of how my heart feels...tears that the sky cries for U/us while W/we are apart.
yes, i still miss Him just as much today as when i had to watch Him drive away yesterday . i will never, EVER become accustomed to not being at His feet on in His arms. These last three weeks W/we've spent together has shown me what lies ahead as His slave and that is something i've never been able to see with ANYONE else in my life. He is my purpose, my focus, my...everything.

Life with Him will be/HAS been a life of the deepest form of happiness and peace...a sigh of true contentment so strong, the world can hear it. i worship Him, and i don't care who thinks that's not the way i should feel. He IS my god, my reason for everything i do.

He inspires me to be the best i can in ALL ways, every aspect of my life; slave, mother, business woman, friend, example... He holds me accountable for my weaknesses and lifts me up higher than the clouds. "Good girl" from His lips and the gentle touch of His powerful hand on my cheek are the sweetest of praises, and i strive to do things that make Him see me as His good girl every day.

He is the Man of my dreams that in reality makes all those dreams pale in comparison. i admire so much about this incredible Man...His integrity, His mind, His power, His intelligence, His humor, His creativity and talent...i could go on for...ever about what i love and admire about Him. It is endless...

It is an amazing feeling to feel this way about someone. To know deep inside my soul that i will be enslaved by Him mind, body, spirit, soul, heart- you name it, He has it completely.

This time apart only reinforces all of this and i will continue to count the days, hours and minutes until i am once again at His feet. i can't express how lucky i feel to be His... i try, but the words seem so inadequate.