The simple life...

Sometimes i sit and think about my life now and i wonder what the heck happened. When did it get so unbelievably complicated? When did it become all about trying to make a living and paying bills and battling weight, and "dealing with things" instead of just enjoying things? When did it become about just getting through the day only to do it all again the next day?

i remember years ago when i actually had time to stop and smell the roses so to speak. and Now? Now i'm lucky to even SEE the roses let alone smell them. i remember when evenings were peaceful, kids in bed, sitting out on my back porch listening to the sounds of crickets or other evening critters.

I remember lightening bugs and going on picnics, taking drives just because...i remember a lot of things.
My days all run together now. One long endless quest to support myself and the kids so i can get away from the soon to be ex. i get up early, stay up late, working.... always working.

Don't get me wrong, i am grateful and thankful to HAVE that work. i'm thankful to be paid for something i love to do. But sometimes it would just be nice to simplify my life and have enjoyable times again instead of everything being so stressed.

i used to have SO many dreams about my life and how i wanted it to go. The passionate loving marriage to someone who knew me inside and out and wanted to not only own me legally but mentally, physically, emotionally.... sheesh THAT dream certainly never came CLOSE to coming true with my exes, lol. It was my own personal hell inside those marriages... and i am thankful to not be in them anymore.

i used to want to have property in the country, horses, a barn, a beautiful home with wood floors, fireplaces, and a sprawling porch...i wanted to have gardens and cookouts and sit on the porch smelling freshly mowed grass while i watched the kids chase fireflies...

i'm only 43... i'm not ready or willing to say "this" is how my life goes from here on out. i just have to figure out how to find the vision again...or redefine the vision and figure out what it is now...i'm different now than i was then in many ways... not bad..just different... but i still believe that there is more to life than working each day and just trying to get through.