slavery isn't always easy...

it's easy to be a slave when it's fun or enjoyable, or when it's easy.  But the true magnitude of my slavery really hits home with me during the times it's VERY difficult.  Serving my Master is never difficult.  i live for that every day and look for ways to please Him.  That's important to me.

But sometimes, there are things that are difficult for me and i have to truly fight myself to stay in the right place at His feet.  It's not that i become belligerent or mouthy.  In all honesty, that is not me and never would be.  it's that usually, i become afraid and that fear causes me to step out of what i know to be the right thing to do, or out of the things Master wants me to do.  Sometimes these internal fights get pretty intense and i am very hard on myself for slipping or struggling Master doesn't expect me to be perfect, but *i* expect myself to be no matter how much i know that true perfection isn't possible. 

Fear causes me to do many things...as soon as i get scared i try to start scrambling to find secure ground and that can present itself in a number of ways... asking things i shouldn't,  worrying about things i shouldn't, backing off, closing up, not sleeping, even having panic attacks.

During these times when i may be reeling inside,  i am consistenly trying to get myself back into the right frame of mind, and the self dialogue begins....

yes, i do talk to myself... and i have a good friend who understands the dynamic Master and i have because it is similar to hers and her Sir's dynamic, so she is good at kicking me back into place. She doesn't say what i want to hear, even though *sometimes*  i wish she would... but it helps to have an outside source reaffirming the self dialogue i am telling myself.

It's an ongoing battle.  Sometimes the only way i can get back into the right frame of mind is to tell myself that no matter WHAT happens, i will survive it even if i don't feel like i will, and that if my Master feels that whatever it is that needs to be done whatever way He feels is best, then He must have had a good reason and it is NOT for me to question. 

But that place takes awhile for me to get to, and it's not instant or fake.  Faking it does nothing but make it all worse and eventually everything will blow up in my face internally.  So i spend a few days or whatever trying to get where i know i need to be... 

i am not a slave because it's easy.  Total surrender, 100% of all of me, fears included, is the hardest thing i've ever done.  But when i AM able to get there, to BE in that place i want to be more than anything, it makes me SO happy


Very few things trip me up.  i don't have "issues" with 100% control, being told what to do, where to go or not go, and other things... but this one thing i struggle with and it really gets in the way of who i want to be for Him. 

i am a work in progress in this area and i know i can beat it... i may not beat it tonight or tomorrow... or even next week, but every day i will work hard to overcome anythng that takes me away from where i need and want to be more than anything and that is at my Master's feet.