i have been kind of lost today...ok a lot lost. i DID do
some work and then after several hours of that, i wandered into
Master's and my bedroom and shut the door. Laying on the bed i curled up
with His shirt that He wore yesterday...inhaling deeply, i could smell
His cologne, His deodorant...all the scents that are HIM...and was hit
with the sharpest longing for Him.
i stayed there for a short time and then got up, wandering around again. I've been trying to identify this weird feeling i've had all day and it finally hit me what it is. my entire world has revolved around Master for the last three weeks.
W/we have been inseparable 24/7 except for the brief 20 minutes i ran to the bank the other day and even then i'm not ashamed to say, all i wanted was to get back to Him. i've slept in His arms every night and made His breakfast every morning (except for twice when W/we went out) i've washed His clothes, ironed His shirts, made His dinner, sat outside with Him, sat next to Him while He watched tv, worked next to Him...
He is the center of everything for me and THAT'S what is off about today. my center, my focus is not here and the house seems emptier than ever. i am a bit puzzled about this, seeing as there are 7 kids, a bird, 2 rabbits and 2 ferrets in this house with me, not to mention the dog. But the house just screams of emptiness. i don't mean that as a slam against the kids...it's a different kind of emptiness, a different, deeply internal kind of loneliness. and i feel tremendously lost without Him here.
But what this has shown me is how deeply ingrained into my heart and soul He is. the only thing that keeps me from sliding into despair is my determination to make Him proud. i haven't lost sight of that, but i can't pretend that this isn't taking every ounce of strength i have not to curl up into a ball and lock myself in my room. THAT wouldn't make Him proud and it's not fair to the kids.
It's only been 7 hours since i had to watch Him drive away and it feels like an eternity. He makes everything so special just with His presence. May 6th i fly to WI to help Him clean and pack up the remaining things... 22 days, 15 hours, 3 minutes until i can feel his hands on me, taste His kiss, hear His voice in my ear...
my eyes are filling with tears as i type this, so i better stop now and do something to make Master proud. takes a deep breath and tries to fight down the hollow feeling in my chest.
please forgive me friends, for going on about this...please be patient with me... im trying...i promise.
i stayed there for a short time and then got up, wandering around again. I've been trying to identify this weird feeling i've had all day and it finally hit me what it is. my entire world has revolved around Master for the last three weeks.
W/we have been inseparable 24/7 except for the brief 20 minutes i ran to the bank the other day and even then i'm not ashamed to say, all i wanted was to get back to Him. i've slept in His arms every night and made His breakfast every morning (except for twice when W/we went out) i've washed His clothes, ironed His shirts, made His dinner, sat outside with Him, sat next to Him while He watched tv, worked next to Him...
He is the center of everything for me and THAT'S what is off about today. my center, my focus is not here and the house seems emptier than ever. i am a bit puzzled about this, seeing as there are 7 kids, a bird, 2 rabbits and 2 ferrets in this house with me, not to mention the dog. But the house just screams of emptiness. i don't mean that as a slam against the kids...it's a different kind of emptiness, a different, deeply internal kind of loneliness. and i feel tremendously lost without Him here.
But what this has shown me is how deeply ingrained into my heart and soul He is. the only thing that keeps me from sliding into despair is my determination to make Him proud. i haven't lost sight of that, but i can't pretend that this isn't taking every ounce of strength i have not to curl up into a ball and lock myself in my room. THAT wouldn't make Him proud and it's not fair to the kids.
It's only been 7 hours since i had to watch Him drive away and it feels like an eternity. He makes everything so special just with His presence. May 6th i fly to WI to help Him clean and pack up the remaining things... 22 days, 15 hours, 3 minutes until i can feel his hands on me, taste His kiss, hear His voice in my ear...
my eyes are filling with tears as i type this, so i better stop now and do something to make Master proud. takes a deep breath and tries to fight down the hollow feeling in my chest.
please forgive me friends, for going on about this...please be patient with me... im trying...i promise.
Try to be strong ali- I know it is hard (Oh boy do I know) but remember he is coming back to you for good and that each day is a day closer!!
ReplyDeleteKeep telling yourself that!
Sending hugs ((( )))
~faithful
thank you so much faithful...those words have become my daily mantra. it's harder than i thought, but i will get through it. :)
ReplyDeletei sympathyze with you, i dont know what id do without master rick sometimes. i know its weird cuz i mostly top from the bottom but i need him and i understand the deep need your feeling. just a few days left :) keep your chin up!
ReplyDelete