Trying patience...and taming the filly

i try really hard to be a good slave. i actually want to be a perfect slave.  Oh i know...no one can be perfect...but i sincerely want to try to be.  "good" isn't good enough for me.  The last couple of weeks, since my Master left i have been struggling with intense insecurities about...well, about everything;  Him leaving me, Him changing His mind about His feelings, His former submissive, any other slave or submissive on the planet, and comparing myself to everyone and having myself come up short in my eyes. 

Over the last couple of weeks it has gotten worse, especially the comparing myself to His former sub.  i have been afraid that there were still major feelings there between Him and her, and it was tearing me up inside.  A friend of mine pointed out the obvious to me, which is that she is a FORMER sub for a reason, and Master has said those same words to me, but nothing was helping.

I was in a tailspin spiral for many reasons.  i have never been THIS open and vulnerable to anyone before, never trusted anyone with ALL of my secrets, flaws, fears...i was raw and exposed....and absolutely terrified.  Master assured me that they were just friends, but i kept thinking i was "seeing" something and i couldn't or wouldn't let it go and it kept haunting me.   i would ask Him if she had emailed Him that day,  hurting inside that i HAD to ask instead if Him wanting to share it with me,  forgetting my place in that Master shares what He wants to share and what He feels is important for me to know, not what I  feel is important.

I had totally convinced myself that He was not over her and used it as an excuse to back away... or TRY to back away.  Always the wild filly trying to run away... and He is always my Cowboy Master who knows how to tame me, how to be patient with me so that i walk back towards Him. 

We talked today on IM, and through His patience, and some irritation as well, He told me i HAD to start believing Him and stop looking for reasons to run.  He also told me that i needed to stop writing a horrible ending to a story W/we have just begun.

It was tearing me up to "argue" about something so...so senseless.   i didn't want to pull away, i didn't want to run... i just wanted to stop being terrified.  Stop waiting for Him to tell me He was going back to her. 

i am calmer now... more centered... i am giving Master ownership of my fears and terrors.  Only HE can allow me to take those things on, otherwise i will just replace them with thoughts of His ownership and His control over me. 

He is patient,  and i know through this i tried that patience....i didn't mean to but it doesn;t stop the fact that i did.  Am i completely without fear? No.  Do i still worry that they are talking all day or even some of the day?  Yes... i am not happy with my answer, but i'm not going to lie about it... and then the last question...

Do i trust my Master?  ahhhh the million dollar question right there.   Do i trust my Master?   yes....yes i do.  So that makes all this comparing and worrying useless.  Despite the terror and fear, that really is the bottom line.  If He tells me He is over her, i need to believe Him.  If He tells me He is NOT going back, i need to believe Him.  Sometimes trust is an action,  it involves actively doing something to show that trust. What i can do is not sit and wait for Master to hurt me,  and keep my eyes on HIM where they belong. 

i can SHOW Him that i trust Him and not just "say" it.

it's official, i'm not easy or pleasing all the time.  i'm fairly certain i can say that i wasn't being very pleasing as i freaked out and tried to build more walls.   But like He usually does, He got through them and down they came and i am back where i belong...at His feet, at the end of His reins, ready to follow Him anywhere He leads.  

When it just feels right...

i have always dreamed of having someone like my Master.  Someone who shared my passions, someone who knew who i was inside and not only accepted it, but craved what i needed to give.  Master is that person for me.  my Life has taken such a drastic turn for the incredible since i met Him and even more so since i became His.  There aren't words in existence that can express what i feel for Him and how much that grows and intensifies every single day i get to wake up being His. 

This blog is a vision that both of U/us share.  W/we both would love to help those new in the lifestyle navigate it,  and W/we would also love to help those who are in LDRs understand that it is just as real, just as intense, and in many ways SO much harder than a live in relationship.  But they can and do work, and many couples stay committed and work hard to be together permanently. 

i would love for O/our relationship to progress to that... where i can wake up every day of my life, serving Him from morning until night in everything i do and say and to fall asleep in His arms every night after a beautiful day with Him.  For now, W/we plan to see each other as much as humanly possible and that finances allow, but W/we have both said that money will NOT be what keeps U/us apart.

W/we invite You to O/our blog, to O/our relationship journey, and to O/our love for each other.  O/our hope is that W/we can give others encouragement, make them laugh or smile, and express the magic that is U/us.


blessings and hugs,
slave ali