21 days, 21 hours and 1 minute...

That's how long until i am back where i belong, back where i breathe freely, where i am safe, loved, held in His arms, blissfully held in unbreakable chains that encircle my heart and soul. Those chains know no bounds, and they are just as strong in His absence as they are when i am at His feet, but without Him here, i move through my day with a feeling of unbalance that shakes me.

Oh, how i belong to this Man, this Master that is so deep inside me, i feel His breath in my lungs and His blood running through my veins. i can't imagine life not being His, not serving Him with every cell of my being...and i don't want to imagine it.

It's cloudy and raining outside...i love listening to the rain when W/we are wrapped in each others arms at night. Now it is reminiscent of how my heart feels...tears that the sky cries for U/us while W/we are apart.
yes, i still miss Him just as much today as when i had to watch Him drive away yesterday . i will never, EVER become accustomed to not being at His feet on in His arms. These last three weeks W/we've spent together has shown me what lies ahead as His slave and that is something i've never been able to see with ANYONE else in my life. He is my purpose, my focus, my...everything.

Life with Him will be/HAS been a life of the deepest form of happiness and peace...a sigh of true contentment so strong, the world can hear it. i worship Him, and i don't care who thinks that's not the way i should feel. He IS my god, my reason for everything i do.

He inspires me to be the best i can in ALL ways, every aspect of my life; slave, mother, business woman, friend, example... He holds me accountable for my weaknesses and lifts me up higher than the clouds. "Good girl" from His lips and the gentle touch of His powerful hand on my cheek are the sweetest of praises, and i strive to do things that make Him see me as His good girl every day.

He is the Man of my dreams that in reality makes all those dreams pale in comparison. i admire so much about this incredible Man...His integrity, His mind, His power, His intelligence, His humor, His creativity and talent...i could go on for...ever about what i love and admire about Him. It is endless...

It is an amazing feeling to feel this way about someone. To know deep inside my soul that i will be enslaved by Him mind, body, spirit, soul, heart- you name it, He has it completely.

This time apart only reinforces all of this and i will continue to count the days, hours and minutes until i am once again at His feet. i can't express how lucky i feel to be His... i try, but the words seem so inadequate.

What IS this feeling?

i have been kind of lost today...ok a lot lost. i DID do some work and then after several hours of that, i wandered into Master's and my bedroom and shut the door. Laying on the bed i curled up with His shirt that He wore yesterday...inhaling deeply, i could smell His cologne, His deodorant...all the scents that are HIM...and was hit with the sharpest longing for Him.

i stayed there for a short time and then got up, wandering around again. I've been trying to identify this weird feeling i've had all day and it finally hit me what it is. my entire world has revolved around Master for the last three weeks.

W/we have been inseparable 24/7 except for the brief 20 minutes i ran to the bank the other day and even then i'm not ashamed to say, all i wanted was to get back to Him. i've slept in His arms every night and made His breakfast every morning (except for twice when W/we went out) i've washed His clothes, ironed His shirts, made His dinner, sat outside with Him, sat next to Him while He watched tv, worked next to Him...

He is the center of everything for me and THAT'S what is off about today. my center, my focus is not here and the house seems emptier than ever. i am a bit puzzled about this, seeing as there are 7 kids, a bird, 2 rabbits and 2 ferrets in this house with me, not to mention the dog. But the house just screams of emptiness. i don't mean that as a slam against the kids...it's a different kind of emptiness, a different, deeply internal kind of loneliness. and i feel tremendously lost without Him here.

But what this has shown me is how deeply ingrained into my heart and soul He is. the only thing that keeps me from sliding into despair is my determination to make Him proud. i haven't lost sight of that, but i can't pretend that this isn't taking every ounce of strength i have not to curl up into a ball and lock myself in my room. THAT wouldn't make Him proud and it's not fair to the kids.

It's only been 7 hours since i had to watch Him drive away and it feels like an eternity. He makes everything so special just with His presence. May 6th i fly to WI to help Him clean and pack up the remaining things... 22 days, 15 hours, 3 minutes until i can feel his hands on me, taste His kiss, hear His voice in my ear...

my eyes are filling with tears as i type this, so i better stop now and do something to make Master proud. takes a deep breath and tries to fight down the hollow feeling in my chest.

please forgive me friends, for going on about this...please be patient with me... im trying...i promise.

The last time

Master left this morning...i did...ok. Ok meaning i only cried 2-3 times rather than crying continuously. sighs... Seeing Him drive down the road was the hardest thing i've done in a long time. i know it's only for 3 weeks...i know that when He comes back down, it's for good. He says "then you'll be stuck with me" smiles softly stuck is not the word that comes to MY mind though.

Then i will be complete and i can spend the rest of my life serving and loving this Man who has changed mine in the most incredible way. The kids were upset too although they handled it better than i did. Except for my 13 year old son. He was visibly upset and trying hard to hide it.

Master told me to make Him proud and that's exactly what i intend to do. I will admit that i keep tearing up...walking into O/our room, walking into the office and seeing His spot at the desk He built for U/us empty. Its a pain i can't even begin to describe...but there's no way i will disappoint Him by letting myself become incapacitated with sadness.

i want to see the pride on His face and the happiness when He sees what i've accomplished while W/we endure this last separation. But it is by far the hardest separation since W/we've been together.

This morning Master said to me "Just think...this is the last time. Last year W/we were talking about how often W/we could visit each other and now look at U/us" and He's right...

i am so in love with Him and i miss Him SO much already...but i can do this...and i just hope that the next three weeks don't drag TOO much. Maybe if i stay focused on pleasing Him and getting a lot accomplished, it'll go by faster.

i hope so...