Despite all of the tremendous challenges that 2013 contained, it's
impossible to go to sleep and wake up in my Master's arms every night
and morning and be anything but massively thankful for it all. And i
would go through every bit of it again to be with Him every day like i
am lucky enough to be now.
i have learned SO much about myself this last year, some good, some
not as good...but ALL of it afforded me lessons that i feel are
priceless. The best part of it all, is that i actually learned the
lessons i feel i was meant to learn from all this.
One of the major, incredibly good things i learned is that Master and
i are absolutely PERFECT for each other. It's not that i doubted that,
but those who have known me since i've been on Fetlife and witnessed
the crash and burns i repeatedly put myself through in the past, know
what i mean when i say, with a bit of awe...that i FINALLY did something
right when i begged to be Master's slave in 2012. There is no one in
this Universe more perfect to be my Master and the love of my life than
Him.
The things W/we have been through the last part of 2013 would have
possibly torn apart couples newly together like W/we were, and maybe
even those that had been together decades, yet we came out of it
stronger, more in love (if that's possible, lol) and more committed to
each other than ever. W/we never fought, never went after each other,
never even argued. Instead W/we held onto each other and lifted each
other up when the other was struggling and never once did W/we waver in
O/our dedication to who W/we are together and who W/we will always be.
It is through those struggles that W/we discovered things about
ourselves that have ignited a fire in each of U/us that is exciting to
experience together. Some days, when W/we would sit and look at each
other, sometimes in despair, not knowing quite what to do next, the ONE
thing W/we could always say to each other was... W/we are meant for each
other and W/we WILL get through this. And damn it...WE DID!!!!
W/we have both learned about positive thinking, the poison of
negativity and how to eliminate negative people and circumstances from
O/our lives. It's an incredible feeling.
Both of U/us are excited for 2014...for implementing the things W/we
have learned, for having new and exciting experiences together, for
growing even closer and more deeply connected, for watching O/our
business take off and for reaching all the goals W/we have in place.
It's going to be a kick butt year!
With that being said...one of the major things i am letting go of is
my "fat girl shield". There are very few in my life who will understand
what i mean by that. In fact, there may not be anyone, since at the
moment, i can't remember if i've talked about that with anyone else but
Master.
At any rate...for a LONG LONG time now, i have used being overweight
as a means of protection. Protection from hurt, from rejection, from
advances i never knew how to back away from, from the pain of situations
i simply didn't understand how i even got into them, but never could
get out. This fat girl shield was my scapegoat, my excuse for why i was
continually hurt, she was my fall back.
To be honest, i MISS who i was physically before i discovered that
fat girl shield protected me. i miss feeling sexy and beautiful and
making heads turn. Because of my Master, and what W/we have developed
together, i am not afraid to let go of the fat girl shield and send her
packing for good.
i have finally realized that i don't need that fall back...i don't
need the ready made excuse for why He hurt me, (well of course He hurt
me, just LOOK at me...that's what the fat girl shield allowed me to say
to myself as the hurts kept coming in my life) The concept that i am
still stunned to realize but i know in my soul that is true is... HE'S
NOT GOING TO HURT ME... i can't even begin to explain what a beautiful,
albeit foreign thing this is for me to realize.
So... as a result of letting go and not hiding anymore, i am
embarking on the hardest
training/conditioning/getting-back-to-what-i-am-supposed-to-look-like
program of my life. i am all set...eating plan in place, exercise plan
in place, mental attitude in place, emotional state in place and i am
ready. It's all starts tomorrow, Jan 1st, 2014 and the day before my
45th birthday!
i KNOW it's going to be hard, i KNOW i will want to scream
sometimes...but it's also going to be the most rewarding, freeing,
exciting thing i've ever done for myself AND for the Man i am
completely, head over heels, FOREVER in love with... because if not for
Him, i would STILL be hiding, still be shielding myself and not being
everything i was meant to be... and because of Him, and His love for me
and the way He has held my heart and soul in His hands, i am able to
show Him my REAL self, the one i've hidden from the world for over 15
years now, inside AND out.
I wish EVERYONE a beautiful, exciting 2014... You'll be hearing a lot
and SEEING a lot from me in the weeks and months ahead, so be watching!
;-)
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
21 days, 21 hours and 1 minute...
That's how long until i am back where i belong, back
where i breathe freely, where i am safe, loved, held in His arms,
blissfully held in unbreakable chains that encircle my heart and soul.
Those chains know no bounds, and they are just as strong in His absence
as they are when i am at His feet, but without Him here, i move through
my day with a feeling of unbalance that shakes me.
Oh, how i belong to this Man, this Master that is so deep inside me, i feel His breath in my lungs and His blood running through my veins. i can't imagine life not being His, not serving Him with every cell of my being...and i don't want to imagine it.
It's cloudy and raining outside...i love listening to the rain when W/we are wrapped in each others arms at night. Now it is reminiscent of how my heart feels...tears that the sky cries for U/us while W/we are apart.
yes, i still miss Him just as much today as when i had to watch Him drive away yesterday . i will never, EVER become accustomed to not being at His feet on in His arms. These last three weeks W/we've spent together has shown me what lies ahead as His slave and that is something i've never been able to see with ANYONE else in my life. He is my purpose, my focus, my...everything.
Life with Him will be/HAS been a life of the deepest form of happiness and peace...a sigh of true contentment so strong, the world can hear it. i worship Him, and i don't care who thinks that's not the way i should feel. He IS my god, my reason for everything i do.
He inspires me to be the best i can in ALL ways, every aspect of my life; slave, mother, business woman, friend, example... He holds me accountable for my weaknesses and lifts me up higher than the clouds. "Good girl" from His lips and the gentle touch of His powerful hand on my cheek are the sweetest of praises, and i strive to do things that make Him see me as His good girl every day.
He is the Man of my dreams that in reality makes all those dreams pale in comparison. i admire so much about this incredible Man...His integrity, His mind, His power, His intelligence, His humor, His creativity and talent...i could go on for...ever about what i love and admire about Him. It is endless...
It is an amazing feeling to feel this way about someone. To know deep inside my soul that i will be enslaved by Him mind, body, spirit, soul, heart- you name it, He has it completely.
This time apart only reinforces all of this and i will continue to count the days, hours and minutes until i am once again at His feet. i can't express how lucky i feel to be His... i try, but the words seem so inadequate.
Oh, how i belong to this Man, this Master that is so deep inside me, i feel His breath in my lungs and His blood running through my veins. i can't imagine life not being His, not serving Him with every cell of my being...and i don't want to imagine it.
It's cloudy and raining outside...i love listening to the rain when W/we are wrapped in each others arms at night. Now it is reminiscent of how my heart feels...tears that the sky cries for U/us while W/we are apart.
yes, i still miss Him just as much today as when i had to watch Him drive away yesterday . i will never, EVER become accustomed to not being at His feet on in His arms. These last three weeks W/we've spent together has shown me what lies ahead as His slave and that is something i've never been able to see with ANYONE else in my life. He is my purpose, my focus, my...everything.
Life with Him will be/HAS been a life of the deepest form of happiness and peace...a sigh of true contentment so strong, the world can hear it. i worship Him, and i don't care who thinks that's not the way i should feel. He IS my god, my reason for everything i do.
He inspires me to be the best i can in ALL ways, every aspect of my life; slave, mother, business woman, friend, example... He holds me accountable for my weaknesses and lifts me up higher than the clouds. "Good girl" from His lips and the gentle touch of His powerful hand on my cheek are the sweetest of praises, and i strive to do things that make Him see me as His good girl every day.
He is the Man of my dreams that in reality makes all those dreams pale in comparison. i admire so much about this incredible Man...His integrity, His mind, His power, His intelligence, His humor, His creativity and talent...i could go on for...ever about what i love and admire about Him. It is endless...
It is an amazing feeling to feel this way about someone. To know deep inside my soul that i will be enslaved by Him mind, body, spirit, soul, heart- you name it, He has it completely.
This time apart only reinforces all of this and i will continue to count the days, hours and minutes until i am once again at His feet. i can't express how lucky i feel to be His... i try, but the words seem so inadequate.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
What IS this feeling?
i have been kind of lost today...ok a lot lost. i DID do
some work and then after several hours of that, i wandered into
Master's and my bedroom and shut the door. Laying on the bed i curled up
with His shirt that He wore yesterday...inhaling deeply, i could smell
His cologne, His deodorant...all the scents that are HIM...and was hit
with the sharpest longing for Him.
i stayed there for a short time and then got up, wandering around again. I've been trying to identify this weird feeling i've had all day and it finally hit me what it is. my entire world has revolved around Master for the last three weeks.
W/we have been inseparable 24/7 except for the brief 20 minutes i ran to the bank the other day and even then i'm not ashamed to say, all i wanted was to get back to Him. i've slept in His arms every night and made His breakfast every morning (except for twice when W/we went out) i've washed His clothes, ironed His shirts, made His dinner, sat outside with Him, sat next to Him while He watched tv, worked next to Him...
He is the center of everything for me and THAT'S what is off about today. my center, my focus is not here and the house seems emptier than ever. i am a bit puzzled about this, seeing as there are 7 kids, a bird, 2 rabbits and 2 ferrets in this house with me, not to mention the dog. But the house just screams of emptiness. i don't mean that as a slam against the kids...it's a different kind of emptiness, a different, deeply internal kind of loneliness. and i feel tremendously lost without Him here.
But what this has shown me is how deeply ingrained into my heart and soul He is. the only thing that keeps me from sliding into despair is my determination to make Him proud. i haven't lost sight of that, but i can't pretend that this isn't taking every ounce of strength i have not to curl up into a ball and lock myself in my room. THAT wouldn't make Him proud and it's not fair to the kids.
It's only been 7 hours since i had to watch Him drive away and it feels like an eternity. He makes everything so special just with His presence. May 6th i fly to WI to help Him clean and pack up the remaining things... 22 days, 15 hours, 3 minutes until i can feel his hands on me, taste His kiss, hear His voice in my ear...
my eyes are filling with tears as i type this, so i better stop now and do something to make Master proud. takes a deep breath and tries to fight down the hollow feeling in my chest.
please forgive me friends, for going on about this...please be patient with me... im trying...i promise.
i stayed there for a short time and then got up, wandering around again. I've been trying to identify this weird feeling i've had all day and it finally hit me what it is. my entire world has revolved around Master for the last three weeks.
W/we have been inseparable 24/7 except for the brief 20 minutes i ran to the bank the other day and even then i'm not ashamed to say, all i wanted was to get back to Him. i've slept in His arms every night and made His breakfast every morning (except for twice when W/we went out) i've washed His clothes, ironed His shirts, made His dinner, sat outside with Him, sat next to Him while He watched tv, worked next to Him...
He is the center of everything for me and THAT'S what is off about today. my center, my focus is not here and the house seems emptier than ever. i am a bit puzzled about this, seeing as there are 7 kids, a bird, 2 rabbits and 2 ferrets in this house with me, not to mention the dog. But the house just screams of emptiness. i don't mean that as a slam against the kids...it's a different kind of emptiness, a different, deeply internal kind of loneliness. and i feel tremendously lost without Him here.
But what this has shown me is how deeply ingrained into my heart and soul He is. the only thing that keeps me from sliding into despair is my determination to make Him proud. i haven't lost sight of that, but i can't pretend that this isn't taking every ounce of strength i have not to curl up into a ball and lock myself in my room. THAT wouldn't make Him proud and it's not fair to the kids.
It's only been 7 hours since i had to watch Him drive away and it feels like an eternity. He makes everything so special just with His presence. May 6th i fly to WI to help Him clean and pack up the remaining things... 22 days, 15 hours, 3 minutes until i can feel his hands on me, taste His kiss, hear His voice in my ear...
my eyes are filling with tears as i type this, so i better stop now and do something to make Master proud. takes a deep breath and tries to fight down the hollow feeling in my chest.
please forgive me friends, for going on about this...please be patient with me... im trying...i promise.
The last time
Master left this morning...i did...ok. Ok meaning i only
cried 2-3 times rather than crying continuously. sighs... Seeing Him
drive down the road was the hardest thing i've done in a long time. i
know it's only for 3 weeks...i know that when He comes back down, it's
for good. He says "then you'll be stuck with me" smiles softly stuck is not the word that comes to MY mind though.
Then i will be complete and i can spend the rest of my life serving and loving this Man who has changed mine in the most incredible way. The kids were upset too although they handled it better than i did. Except for my 13 year old son. He was visibly upset and trying hard to hide it.
Master told me to make Him proud and that's exactly what i intend to do. I will admit that i keep tearing up...walking into O/our room, walking into the office and seeing His spot at the desk He built for U/us empty. Its a pain i can't even begin to describe...but there's no way i will disappoint Him by letting myself become incapacitated with sadness.
i want to see the pride on His face and the happiness when He sees what i've accomplished while W/we endure this last separation. But it is by far the hardest separation since W/we've been together.
This morning Master said to me "Just think...this is the last time. Last year W/we were talking about how often W/we could visit each other and now look at U/us" and He's right...
i am so in love with Him and i miss Him SO much already...but i can do this...and i just hope that the next three weeks don't drag TOO much. Maybe if i stay focused on pleasing Him and getting a lot accomplished, it'll go by faster.
i hope so...
Then i will be complete and i can spend the rest of my life serving and loving this Man who has changed mine in the most incredible way. The kids were upset too although they handled it better than i did. Except for my 13 year old son. He was visibly upset and trying hard to hide it.
Master told me to make Him proud and that's exactly what i intend to do. I will admit that i keep tearing up...walking into O/our room, walking into the office and seeing His spot at the desk He built for U/us empty. Its a pain i can't even begin to describe...but there's no way i will disappoint Him by letting myself become incapacitated with sadness.
i want to see the pride on His face and the happiness when He sees what i've accomplished while W/we endure this last separation. But it is by far the hardest separation since W/we've been together.
This morning Master said to me "Just think...this is the last time. Last year W/we were talking about how often W/we could visit each other and now look at U/us" and He's right...
i am so in love with Him and i miss Him SO much already...but i can do this...and i just hope that the next three weeks don't drag TOO much. Maybe if i stay focused on pleasing Him and getting a lot accomplished, it'll go by faster.
i hope so...
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
4. a friend i admire (random facts about ali)
A friend i admire is actually someone from my past who i sadly, don't
have much contact with anymore. Nothing happened but life really. i
moved away and as things sometime do, we drifted apart and got busy
with our own lives.
i admire her because she learned how to do all those things i wish i had been taught when i was little...canning, gardening, sewing, cooking and baking...she is kind of a homesteader now with her husband and 5 kids.
Her grandmother taught her all those things and the women in my family didn't teach me anything except how NOT to be like them.
but i digress...lol... she and i used to have long, drawn out discussions on so many things, especially about the kind of life we wanted to live. We both wanted to be on a farm, lol...
well she has a small one now...farm house, chickens, garden, etc...and i have a zoo. grins But Master and i have such great plans for having at least 40 acres and He wants to build another log home on it and while i don't want a farm anymore, i DO very much want horses...and chickens might be kinda cool looks at Master questioningly
i also LOVE the idea of gardening and i still want to learn to sew (heck, im even button sewing challenged, lol) it's never too late to learn stuff, and everything i learn to do will make me a better, more valuable slave to my Master, so i look forward to getting O/our own version of the farm and learning to can, sew, garden and many other things i've always wanted to learn. :)
i admire my friend for getting those things we talked about. it gives me a lot of hope for MY future as well. :)
i admire her because she learned how to do all those things i wish i had been taught when i was little...canning, gardening, sewing, cooking and baking...she is kind of a homesteader now with her husband and 5 kids.
Her grandmother taught her all those things and the women in my family didn't teach me anything except how NOT to be like them.
but i digress...lol... she and i used to have long, drawn out discussions on so many things, especially about the kind of life we wanted to live. We both wanted to be on a farm, lol...
well she has a small one now...farm house, chickens, garden, etc...and i have a zoo. grins But Master and i have such great plans for having at least 40 acres and He wants to build another log home on it and while i don't want a farm anymore, i DO very much want horses...and chickens might be kinda cool looks at Master questioningly
i also LOVE the idea of gardening and i still want to learn to sew (heck, im even button sewing challenged, lol) it's never too late to learn stuff, and everything i learn to do will make me a better, more valuable slave to my Master, so i look forward to getting O/our own version of the farm and learning to can, sew, garden and many other things i've always wanted to learn. :)
i admire my friend for getting those things we talked about. it gives me a lot of hope for MY future as well. :)
Monday, March 11, 2013
Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.
This is something that i only get to do when i am with Master, but with Him moving down here, i'll get to have it be part of my daily routine for...well, forever unless Master changes it. i love making His morning coffee and breakfast. Whenever i have been with Him or He's been here, i get up and make His coffee every morning, bring it to Him and then make His breakfast.
Master is very routine oriented so this is something that is a requirement and i love it. In fact when He was here last week, my daughter got up and made the coffee for both of us, which was a nice gesture but it REALLY threw me off and i felt lost.
i guess that sounds silly but it is something that really means something to me to do this for Him. When i couldn't do it, it made me feel very off balance.
When He is living here permanently, i know that i will enjoy this daily routine and look forward to starting His day with my service on an every day basis. i don't know that it matters as much to Him as it does me, but He allows me to do it, so i am happy. :)
Any chance i get to serve Him makes me really happy.
3. Something I never leave the house without (random facts about ali)
i guess like many women, i don't leave the house without my purse. But my purse is more like a...satchel, lol. It's huge and i carry everything in it from my wallet to notebooks in it. i've tried small purses and they just don't work.
Guess it comes from being a mom of a lot of kids that i always had to carry the house with me. i don't like the "diaper bag" look so i always made sure my purse was big enough.
People have picked up the thing and been shocked at the weight of it. "What in the world do you have in here?" is a common question, lol...
But if i left the house without it i'd be in serious trouble because it really does have everything i need in it and more. And if for some reason i need the entire house at a moment's notice, i'm usually likely to have it in there. Along with toys for the kids, pens, money, and many other things. *grins*
and if i need to hit someone for some reason it makes one heck of a weapon. *smiles*
Guess it comes from being a mom of a lot of kids that i always had to carry the house with me. i don't like the "diaper bag" look so i always made sure my purse was big enough.
People have picked up the thing and been shocked at the weight of it. "What in the world do you have in here?" is a common question, lol...
But if i left the house without it i'd be in serious trouble because it really does have everything i need in it and more. And if for some reason i need the entire house at a moment's notice, i'm usually likely to have it in there. Along with toys for the kids, pens, money, and many other things. *grins*
and if i need to hit someone for some reason it makes one heck of a weapon. *smiles*
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Day 03 -Something with which you struggle.
Sheesh... what a question... i struggle with a lot of things at
times, but i'd have to say that the thing i struggle with the most is
the fear of things disappearing that i trust in. This makes itself very
present in my relationship with Master.
i fall into the trap of worrying that one day i will wake up and things will have changed or disappeared or been lost. i have a hard time believing that good things actually stay around for long and because of that, it makes me more clingy, more needy... fortunately Master likes my neediness, which is a good thing for me, lol.
in all honesty, i don't know if i will EVER fully get over that lingering fear in the back of my mind and sometimes in the forefront of it, that things will disappear, that Master will one day just not love me anymore and leave or that all of this is just a dream and i wake up back in hell.
But the good news is i AM trying to relax and not wait for the other shoe to drop. i want to learn to just love and live for the now, plan for the future, look forward to the future, but not FEAR it.
Master always tells me "Don't borrow trouble, ali." (me? borrow trouble? never...grins) and He's right, even though it IS hard for me not to do that. i am the "what if" queen, lol. But i am getting a little better about not borrowing trouble and once Master moves here for good, i can learn to not be afraid that i will wake up one morning and He will be gone.
i fall into the trap of worrying that one day i will wake up and things will have changed or disappeared or been lost. i have a hard time believing that good things actually stay around for long and because of that, it makes me more clingy, more needy... fortunately Master likes my neediness, which is a good thing for me, lol.
in all honesty, i don't know if i will EVER fully get over that lingering fear in the back of my mind and sometimes in the forefront of it, that things will disappear, that Master will one day just not love me anymore and leave or that all of this is just a dream and i wake up back in hell.
But the good news is i AM trying to relax and not wait for the other shoe to drop. i want to learn to just love and live for the now, plan for the future, look forward to the future, but not FEAR it.
Master always tells me "Don't borrow trouble, ali." (me? borrow trouble? never...grins) and He's right, even though it IS hard for me not to do that. i am the "what if" queen, lol. But i am getting a little better about not borrowing trouble and once Master moves here for good, i can learn to not be afraid that i will wake up one morning and He will be gone.
2. A favorite movie (random facts about ali)
Fortunately this question just asked for "a" favorite
movie and not THE favorite movie. i just like too many of them to list
just one. However, ONE of my favorite movies is Under The Tuscan Sun.
This is a movie that i can really relate to and every time i watch it, i feel hopeful about my life, my future, and the things i want to accomplish. This started being my favorite movie years ago before i met my Master, and it helped me to not give up on what i always wished for in my life.
While i didn't go to Italy and buy a run down villa (although omg that would be awesome) i found the Man and Master who really allowed me to be myself and release all the hidden parts of me i was afraid to show anyone else.
He's getting ready to move here permanently and my life is going to be very different than it EVER has been. Living my life as His slave is a dream come true that i never really though would ever come true. (if that made sense)
in the movie, she buys that villa to escape the pain of her life back in the states and then, at first, gets bogged down by the life she wants to have rather than seeing the life she DOES have. i'm guilty of that... and i don't want to miss the blessings i DO have.
i also like the movie because she is not overly religious. Nothing wrong with it if it's your thing, but im not religious and it gave me something i could relate to rather than feeling like...well, i don't think that way sooo...
anyway, it's a movie i highly recommend. My Master would classify it as a chick flick, lol and i guess it is...but it's GOOD chick flick that will make you want to go buy a villa in Tuscany, lol.
This is a movie that i can really relate to and every time i watch it, i feel hopeful about my life, my future, and the things i want to accomplish. This started being my favorite movie years ago before i met my Master, and it helped me to not give up on what i always wished for in my life.
While i didn't go to Italy and buy a run down villa (although omg that would be awesome) i found the Man and Master who really allowed me to be myself and release all the hidden parts of me i was afraid to show anyone else.
He's getting ready to move here permanently and my life is going to be very different than it EVER has been. Living my life as His slave is a dream come true that i never really though would ever come true. (if that made sense)
in the movie, she buys that villa to escape the pain of her life back in the states and then, at first, gets bogged down by the life she wants to have rather than seeing the life she DOES have. i'm guilty of that... and i don't want to miss the blessings i DO have.
i also like the movie because she is not overly religious. Nothing wrong with it if it's your thing, but im not religious and it gave me something i could relate to rather than feeling like...well, i don't think that way sooo...
anyway, it's a movie i highly recommend. My Master would classify it as a chick flick, lol and i guess it is...but it's GOOD chick flick that will make you want to go buy a villa in Tuscany, lol.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
March Q and A month
I'm not sure how many people read my blog, lol or if anyone has any questions for Master or myself but W/we invite you to ask away. W/we'd be happy to answer anything you would like to know. :)
Friday, March 8, 2013
Day 1- a place i'd like to travel- 30 days worth of random stuff about ali
Hmmmm a place i'd like to travel... pondersThere are so many places i want to see both in the US and Internationally, that it's hard to choose just one.
One of the first places that come to mind is Alaska. But one of the main reasons i want to travel there so i can see the Northern Lights. i am totally fascinated by footage i've seen and can only imagine how i'd stare up at them with this look of amazement on my face. :)
There's also the killer scenery and wildlife. i have friends that lived there for 6 years and it sounded pretty awesome when they would describe it and send pictures. :) So there ya have it... one of the MANY places i would love to travel to... with Master of course! None of it would be as good without Him right there sharing it all with me. :)
Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.
The biggest thing i regret not doing last year is working harder at
losing weight. i started off 2012 the way i have started the last
several years... full of good intentions and goals... but my weight
problem was more emotional than ability and i never really put the
required effort into it...until i met Master.
i learned many years ago that being really overweight afforded me a certain amount of...invisibility. Odd how being BIGGER can make You MORE invisible, but it worked. it didn't keep me from making mistakes or getting devastatingly hurt but it did prevent me from being faced with situations i didn't feel strong enough to get out of. i didn't have to fight people off as much and i didn't have to work so hard to say NO, leave me alone... something my Master has taught me since He became my Owner.
It would take a long while to explain why i have kept all this weight on. What things happened when i was thin that i didn't want to happen but literally wasn't equipped with a two letter word or the boundaries that go along with it to stop them from happening. I found that the bigger i got, the less i was cornered. i didn't intentionally eat...i just didn't work hard to get rid of it.
But now i am with my Master and i so wish that i looked the way i used to before i decided to hide behind the great wall of fat. :(
since meeting Master, i have lost 60 pounds and i am continuing to lose steadily and i am really happy about that, but i would love to just wake up tomorrow and have it GONE. i want SO much to be sexy and beautiful for Him.
With Master i am safe to come out of hiding. Those things i wanted to try and avoid i don't have to worry about anymore because i am safe with Him...i am stronger, i protect His property and can hide behind Him if i need to. (and i admit i do...often)
There is still something about me that seems to bring out the snakes and leering creeps. frowns and i've noticed that as i'm losing weight, i am starting to become visible again and am getting talked to and noticed more and at times that really makes me REALLY nervous... but Master has me in His arms and i'm going to be ok.
So yes, i DO regret not doing this last year, but there was a reason, a very deep, dark, complicated reason i couldn't.
i can now, thanks to being owned by Master, so THIS is the year allllll this extra weight goes away once and for all and i can be myself again without hiding behind weight.
i learned many years ago that being really overweight afforded me a certain amount of...invisibility. Odd how being BIGGER can make You MORE invisible, but it worked. it didn't keep me from making mistakes or getting devastatingly hurt but it did prevent me from being faced with situations i didn't feel strong enough to get out of. i didn't have to fight people off as much and i didn't have to work so hard to say NO, leave me alone... something my Master has taught me since He became my Owner.
It would take a long while to explain why i have kept all this weight on. What things happened when i was thin that i didn't want to happen but literally wasn't equipped with a two letter word or the boundaries that go along with it to stop them from happening. I found that the bigger i got, the less i was cornered. i didn't intentionally eat...i just didn't work hard to get rid of it.
But now i am with my Master and i so wish that i looked the way i used to before i decided to hide behind the great wall of fat. :(
since meeting Master, i have lost 60 pounds and i am continuing to lose steadily and i am really happy about that, but i would love to just wake up tomorrow and have it GONE. i want SO much to be sexy and beautiful for Him.
With Master i am safe to come out of hiding. Those things i wanted to try and avoid i don't have to worry about anymore because i am safe with Him...i am stronger, i protect His property and can hide behind Him if i need to. (and i admit i do...often)
There is still something about me that seems to bring out the snakes and leering creeps. frowns and i've noticed that as i'm losing weight, i am starting to become visible again and am getting talked to and noticed more and at times that really makes me REALLY nervous... but Master has me in His arms and i'm going to be ok.
So yes, i DO regret not doing this last year, but there was a reason, a very deep, dark, complicated reason i couldn't.
i can now, thanks to being owned by Master, so THIS is the year allllll this extra weight goes away once and for all and i can be myself again without hiding behind weight.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
30 days worth of random stuff about ali
i am a sucker for things like this, lol. So along with my 31 day writing every day challenge, i am adding this 30 days of facts about ali. (me! lol) not that anyone asked, but hey if there's anything you wanted to know about me, this will give some of those answers. :) Below are the 30 things i will be answering, one per day. Hey! i just realized Master will be back here before i am finished with both of my personal writing challenges. Cool!! :) *twirls around happily*
1. A place I’d like to travel
2. A favorite movie
3. Something I never leave the house without
4. A friend I admire
5 My hometown
6 Best vacation spot
7. A song for the day
8. Three inspirational quotes
9. A close up of my day
10. A favorite recipe
11. Three years ago today
12. The last item I purchased
13. Something I’m proud of
14. A piece of architecture I love
15. Three blogs I always read
16. Someone who inspires me
17. My family
18. What I wore today
19. Most memorable of 2013 so far
20. Something that means a lot to me
21. A self portrait
22. What I love about my job
23. Eight things you don’t know about me
24. Something that makes me smile
25. The contents of my purse
26. Something I’m looking forward to
27. A favorite restaurant
28. A skill I’d like to learn
29. Something I could never tire of
30. Three wonderful things that have happened in my life
1. A place I’d like to travel
2. A favorite movie
3. Something I never leave the house without
4. A friend I admire
5 My hometown
6 Best vacation spot
7. A song for the day
8. Three inspirational quotes
9. A close up of my day
10. A favorite recipe
11. Three years ago today
12. The last item I purchased
13. Something I’m proud of
14. A piece of architecture I love
15. Three blogs I always read
16. Someone who inspires me
17. My family
18. What I wore today
19. Most memorable of 2013 so far
20. Something that means a lot to me
21. A self portrait
22. What I love about my job
23. Eight things you don’t know about me
24. Something that makes me smile
25. The contents of my purse
26. Something I’m looking forward to
27. A favorite restaurant
28. A skill I’d like to learn
29. Something I could never tire of
30. Three wonderful things that have happened in my life
3 weeks...
Master left this morning. :( All the children got up to
see Him off and i was stunned when even my 19 year old son shook His
hand and hugged Him. my son hasn't even hugged His bio and step fathers
in years.
Master showed them on the calendar when He'd be back and they want to put the calendar in a prime spot so they can mark off the days. He'll be back by the 30th of March and will be here for Easter!
It'll be O/our first holiday together in the house and i'm really excited about it. Easter isn't a huge holiday in O/our family, but having Master here will make it special. Easter egg hunt, Easter baskets and a cook out! :)
i'm trying really hard to be brave and show the kids i can keep it together but inside i already feel the emptiness. he's just so... dynamic and fills the house with His presence. i am grateful for the time He spent here and will look forward to His return with more excitement than the children have. :)
I asked Him what things He would like me to work on while He is gone, so i have my list and will make Him proud by getting everything done before He gets back.
i think He'll be here in time for the April Jax munch as well so that will be nice to see the new friends W/we've met as well.
i know this is my take on everything, but i am happily surprised and pleased how well Master and i get along and how smooth everything is when W/we're together. i have never been with anyone i get along with and want to be around all the time. it's really fantastic! :)
Now just 3 more weeks and He's back!! :) The countdown started the second He drove down the road this morning.
Master showed them on the calendar when He'd be back and they want to put the calendar in a prime spot so they can mark off the days. He'll be back by the 30th of March and will be here for Easter!
It'll be O/our first holiday together in the house and i'm really excited about it. Easter isn't a huge holiday in O/our family, but having Master here will make it special. Easter egg hunt, Easter baskets and a cook out! :)
i'm trying really hard to be brave and show the kids i can keep it together but inside i already feel the emptiness. he's just so... dynamic and fills the house with His presence. i am grateful for the time He spent here and will look forward to His return with more excitement than the children have. :)
I asked Him what things He would like me to work on while He is gone, so i have my list and will make Him proud by getting everything done before He gets back.
i think He'll be here in time for the April Jax munch as well so that will be nice to see the new friends W/we've met as well.
i know this is my take on everything, but i am happily surprised and pleased how well Master and i get along and how smooth everything is when W/we're together. i have never been with anyone i get along with and want to be around all the time. it's really fantastic! :)
Now just 3 more weeks and He's back!! :) The countdown started the second He drove down the road this morning.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Day 1: Something You're looking forward to this year...
Okay here is the topic for day one of my 31 day writing challenge.
This one is easy... Something i am looking forward to this year...
MY MASTER IS MOVING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This time last year i never would have thought that i would be owned by such an incredible Man. in fact, this time last year i was hiding after being hurt yet again by another lying player that i had managed to get myself tangled up with.
A week after this exact time last year i got THE email that changed my life forever from a Man that took my breath away and blew apart all the walls that i had so carefully constructed. He was relentless and after two months there WERE no walls left. of course i pretended there were or tried to make myself feel less scared by pretending they were there if i needed them, but the truth was, He had done away with all of them.
Having my Master to serve 24/7, having a daily life with Him with Him is something that i always dreamt of but was afraid to really believe i'd ever be fortunate enough to find.
In my Master's arms i have found happiness, a love like i've never known, true freedom in His ownership of me and someone that i am madly, deeply and completely in love with.
Saying i'm looking forward to Him being here is actually pretty lame compared to actually how i FEEL about it... but it is too exciting and important to NOT have this be THE thing i am most looking forward to.
MY MASTER IS MOVING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This time last year i never would have thought that i would be owned by such an incredible Man. in fact, this time last year i was hiding after being hurt yet again by another lying player that i had managed to get myself tangled up with.
A week after this exact time last year i got THE email that changed my life forever from a Man that took my breath away and blew apart all the walls that i had so carefully constructed. He was relentless and after two months there WERE no walls left. of course i pretended there were or tried to make myself feel less scared by pretending they were there if i needed them, but the truth was, He had done away with all of them.
Having my Master to serve 24/7, having a daily life with Him with Him is something that i always dreamt of but was afraid to really believe i'd ever be fortunate enough to find.
In my Master's arms i have found happiness, a love like i've never known, true freedom in His ownership of me and someone that i am madly, deeply and completely in love with.
Saying i'm looking forward to Him being here is actually pretty lame compared to actually how i FEEL about it... but it is too exciting and important to NOT have this be THE thing i am most looking forward to.
31 days of writing challenges...can i do it? :)
i found this on a profile i was looking at on fetlife and thought it
looked like a cool thing to try. It's 31 days of writing. Various
questions about life and stuff. Looked like it could be interesting so
here it is. If anyone would like to do this too, be sure to link to
your writing from here. i'd love to see others' responses as well.
Have fun and hope to have some others do this with me! Below are the
days and corresponding questions to write about. i'll be starting mine
tomorrow.
:)
• Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.
• Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.
• Day 03: Something with which you struggle.
• Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.
• Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.
• Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.
• Day 07: Describe your first REAL kiss
• Day 08: One thing in the world you’d LOVE to change
• Day 09: Guilty Pleasures- you choose how many to list
• Day 10: Something at which you've been a champion or the best.
• Day 11: Something about which people seem to compliment you.
• Day 12: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
• Day 13: Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.
• Day 14: Someone who has made your life worth living.
• Day 15: A band/musical artist whose music impacted your life.
• Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
• Day 17: Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.
• Day 18: Someone you met randomly that's made an impact on your life.
• Day 19: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life).
• Day 20: Discuss your favorite movie and why it's so special to you.
• Day 21: Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.
• Day 22: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life.
• Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.
• Day 24: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.
• Day 25: Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.
• Day 26: How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?
• Day 27: What is your vocation (why are you here on earth)?
• Day 28: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?
• Day 29: What WAS your biggest dream in life (you wanted to do as a kid but no longer can)?
• Day 30: Someone in your family that means so much to you.
• Day 31: Epilogue: Write a letter to yourself.
:)
• Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.
• Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.
• Day 03: Something with which you struggle.
• Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.
• Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.
• Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.
• Day 07: Describe your first REAL kiss
• Day 08: One thing in the world you’d LOVE to change
• Day 09: Guilty Pleasures- you choose how many to list
• Day 10: Something at which you've been a champion or the best.
• Day 11: Something about which people seem to compliment you.
• Day 12: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
• Day 13: Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.
• Day 14: Someone who has made your life worth living.
• Day 15: A band/musical artist whose music impacted your life.
• Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
• Day 17: Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.
• Day 18: Someone you met randomly that's made an impact on your life.
• Day 19: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life).
• Day 20: Discuss your favorite movie and why it's so special to you.
• Day 21: Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.
• Day 22: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life.
• Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.
• Day 24: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.
• Day 25: Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.
• Day 26: How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?
• Day 27: What is your vocation (why are you here on earth)?
• Day 28: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?
• Day 29: What WAS your biggest dream in life (you wanted to do as a kid but no longer can)?
• Day 30: Someone in your family that means so much to you.
• Day 31: Epilogue: Write a letter to yourself.
Just a little bit longer...
Master leaves tomorrow to go back to Wisconsin. sighs
i'm trying to be brave and look forward to His return in about 3 weeks
for another trip instead of concentrating on the emptiness that His not
being here will leave.
3-4 weeks after that He's here for good and i won't have to be away from Him ever again like W/we have endured the last almost year. (June 12 of this year marks ONE YEAR! whoo hoo!)
Master's time here has been fantastic and other than a few little things, it went beautifully. (at least i think so, lol...hopefully Master feels that way too) The children adore Him, the dogs adore Him, even the ferrets were jumping around His feet yesterday morning after their escape from their cage. And of course, my heart feels completely at peace going to sleep and waking up each day in His arms.
Things are just so great when W/we are together and my worries seem to have been unfounded. I know this has and will be a big change for Master, but the kids were really good and they listen to Him really well. My youngest has never eaten better than she has with Him here and she's usually a very picky eater.
W/we went to Golden Corral last night and she asked to sit next to Him. She asked me tonight how many days until He would be back. She wants to get a calendar and mark the days off until He's back. I'm sure the processional of happy kids, dogs and ferrets will line the driveway as He pulls in, lol. (of course i reserve the right to send them all to their rooms so "i" get to see Him first...wicked grin)
Every day has been special...even when all W/we did was go to Wal-mart and buy groceries. (although the sheer volume of groceries i usually buy was a bit startling for Him at first. )
Today W/we went for a walk in the woods right by the house and it was beautiful. It was also very, VERY hot for many reasons that i will not explicitly share..smiles ) i was reluctant to go at first because the last walk He and i went on i really struggled due to being so overweight, and i was worried about a replay, but this time i did SO well and Master even told me that i did great and it was very different this time than last.
i'm looking forward to continuing to lose weight and feeling even better and sexier for Him. He showed me how loose my collar has gotten and i was shocked. i didn't even notice that it hangs MUCH lower on my neck than it did when He first put it on. it makes me feel good because i have a hard time seeing the loss and tend to focus on the parts i hate.
All in all, i am blissfully happy as His slave and can't WAIT until He is here for good. Tomorrow will be hard...really hard...:( but i will do my best to make Him proud of me by working on the things He wants me to with the business and His home and count the days until He pulls back into the driveway and i get to feel His arms around me again.
3-4 weeks after that He's here for good and i won't have to be away from Him ever again like W/we have endured the last almost year. (June 12 of this year marks ONE YEAR! whoo hoo!)
Master's time here has been fantastic and other than a few little things, it went beautifully. (at least i think so, lol...hopefully Master feels that way too) The children adore Him, the dogs adore Him, even the ferrets were jumping around His feet yesterday morning after their escape from their cage. And of course, my heart feels completely at peace going to sleep and waking up each day in His arms.
Things are just so great when W/we are together and my worries seem to have been unfounded. I know this has and will be a big change for Master, but the kids were really good and they listen to Him really well. My youngest has never eaten better than she has with Him here and she's usually a very picky eater.
W/we went to Golden Corral last night and she asked to sit next to Him. She asked me tonight how many days until He would be back. She wants to get a calendar and mark the days off until He's back. I'm sure the processional of happy kids, dogs and ferrets will line the driveway as He pulls in, lol. (of course i reserve the right to send them all to their rooms so "i" get to see Him first...wicked grin)
Every day has been special...even when all W/we did was go to Wal-mart and buy groceries. (although the sheer volume of groceries i usually buy was a bit startling for Him at first. )
Today W/we went for a walk in the woods right by the house and it was beautiful. It was also very, VERY hot for many reasons that i will not explicitly share..smiles ) i was reluctant to go at first because the last walk He and i went on i really struggled due to being so overweight, and i was worried about a replay, but this time i did SO well and Master even told me that i did great and it was very different this time than last.
i'm looking forward to continuing to lose weight and feeling even better and sexier for Him. He showed me how loose my collar has gotten and i was shocked. i didn't even notice that it hangs MUCH lower on my neck than it did when He first put it on. it makes me feel good because i have a hard time seeing the loss and tend to focus on the parts i hate.
All in all, i am blissfully happy as His slave and can't WAIT until He is here for good. Tomorrow will be hard...really hard...:( but i will do my best to make Him proud of me by working on the things He wants me to with the business and His home and count the days until He pulls back into the driveway and i get to feel His arms around me again.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Nervous and excited...
Master is on his way here to His new home and i can't
wait to see Him. i m also So nervous. This is the first time He will
have spent a lot of time around the children and...well... laughs there are 7 of them.
They are excited about His arrival as well and i just want it to go well. i'm used to their activity level and noise and while i've been working with them on not being SO exuberant, Master isn't going to be used to so many bodies milling around, lol.
We're in the new house now and the kids love it and have settled into a pretty good routine. They are sleeping better, listening better (mostly) and the vibe here is one of positive reinforcement rather than constant negativity their father brought to the table.
The house is huge and i have lost 13 pounds in the last two weeks, most of it the last 5 days with moving and walking all over this house all day long. (one practically needs to pack a lunch to walk from Master's and my bedroom to the back porch :) )
I have visited Master several times over the last almost 9 months W/we've been together and have stayed for about 8 days each time. We have always gotten along beautifully and have had no arguments or disagreements. Of course He would win them all anyway if W/we DID, lol... but living together...it feels so different and my nerves are showing. i just want Him to be happy and i want everything to be perfect and as any of you with kids know...sometimes they act up, or are too hyper or too loud.
i'm trying not to become a wreck and just let things progress how they are going to. my kids are really good kids 90% of the time so part of me knows i'm being worried for nothing...but i do want Him to want to come back here permanently, lol.
i also hope He'll like it here. The kids and i are loving it and i can't tell you all how nice it is to NOT have the ex around anymore. i guess that might sound mean but it's about 5 1/2 years overdue and i feel like a different person without that constant barrage of insults in my face daily.
i'm also nervous about the munch on Saturday... but i'm trying to calm down about everything and not add any tension to the new situation by trying to have everything perfect, which i know isn't possible.
They are excited about His arrival as well and i just want it to go well. i'm used to their activity level and noise and while i've been working with them on not being SO exuberant, Master isn't going to be used to so many bodies milling around, lol.
We're in the new house now and the kids love it and have settled into a pretty good routine. They are sleeping better, listening better (mostly) and the vibe here is one of positive reinforcement rather than constant negativity their father brought to the table.
The house is huge and i have lost 13 pounds in the last two weeks, most of it the last 5 days with moving and walking all over this house all day long. (one practically needs to pack a lunch to walk from Master's and my bedroom to the back porch :) )
I have visited Master several times over the last almost 9 months W/we've been together and have stayed for about 8 days each time. We have always gotten along beautifully and have had no arguments or disagreements. Of course He would win them all anyway if W/we DID, lol... but living together...it feels so different and my nerves are showing. i just want Him to be happy and i want everything to be perfect and as any of you with kids know...sometimes they act up, or are too hyper or too loud.
i'm trying not to become a wreck and just let things progress how they are going to. my kids are really good kids 90% of the time so part of me knows i'm being worried for nothing...but i do want Him to want to come back here permanently, lol.
i also hope He'll like it here. The kids and i are loving it and i can't tell you all how nice it is to NOT have the ex around anymore. i guess that might sound mean but it's about 5 1/2 years overdue and i feel like a different person without that constant barrage of insults in my face daily.
i'm also nervous about the munch on Saturday... but i'm trying to calm down about everything and not add any tension to the new situation by trying to have everything perfect, which i know isn't possible.
Friday, February 22, 2013
more adventures in moving...
As i sit here and survey my bedroom which resembles the
aftermath of a bomb going off as well as the rest of the house, i am
sincerely hoping that it just LOOKS worse than it really is.
Tonight is my last night in this house, my last night living in the same house with my ex (that has been needed for a long, long long long time) my last night dealing with horrid neighborhood children who have done nothing but cause trouble almost since we got here years ago.
i'm feeling a lot of things right now... some good, some scary, some excited, some worried that things around this house really ARE as bad as they look and by morning it will have multiplied further, lol...
But im trying to remain calm and just keep working hard to get done so we can drive away from this place associated with so much hurt and negativity and pain and not have to look back again.
Earlier today i took the children up to Master's house (the one He leased in GA) while they hooked up internet and cable. we were there all day and it was a good day. i texted Master about various things, asking Him where He preferred dishes, which side of the bathroom sinks He wanted and other things.
i told Him that my life starts when He arrives and that couldn't be a more sincere statement. i am preparing HIS home; the home i will serve and worship Him in, the home i will take care of for Him and make as warm and loving and cozy for Him as possible. He was so missed today. i wish it had been possible for U/us to do this together somehow but two households moving together that are over 1000 miles apart are hard to coordinate. lol
So the kids and i will get things as set up as possible the way He thinks He wants them without having actually BEEN in the house. (W/we're using pictures but being here is quite the experience. i wish i could show you all a picture my daughter took of my littlest in the kid's living room that, in Master's words, makes it look like W/we have Lilliputians living in the house. She looks SO tiny compared to the size of the room, lol. She's 6 and kind of petite but she looks like she's standing in a museum the room is so large around her.
The kids loved the house more today than yesterday and really put up a fuss when it was time to come back to the house of negativity (i've come up with several nicknames for the place we're leaving today, lol) i told them and have told them several times tonight...ONE more night and we're done, hang in there.
Now i just have to tell myself that. I'm tired, sore, i miss Master, i'm still stressed, and there's still a lot to do. i truly hope i don't come across as complaining...i am So excited about the new home Master has invited the children and i to live in with Him. it will be a warm, loving home filled with laughter, happiness, and a lot of adoration of Master. But moving out of a home, however terrible it was, with 7 children, 2 dogs, 2 ferrets, a rabbit, our stuff and get everything settled and done up there at Master's home in one week has been... well let's just say i'm a bit tired, lol.
W/we had a temporary scare today when the realtor who manages the lease of Master's new home called and said they wanted to show it tomorrow to a buyer. i felt my heart stop. Master called the realtor back after reading the lease again and found the clause that stated what they were doing by showing it and so on while He had just leased it was clearly against the lease.
So they have taken the house off the market and W/we're not in danger of losing it for the next year. The plan by then is to have the log home Master wants built, so W/we won't have to worry, but for a few minutes i just sat in the ginormous Master bathroom on the edge of the garden tub (i LOVE this bathroom!) and had some pretty scary thoughts run through my head. Master took care of it though and i can breathe again. :)
So tomorrow my new life gets ready to start. a part of it starts...the part of me being in the house with the children without the negative forces of their father smashing our attempt to be happy about anything. He is poison to happiness. (the ex) and now that is out of the way. i can surround them with happiness, encouragement, laughter, and teach them Master's rules knowing that when He arrives, they will already be accustomed to how He wants things. They are looking forward to His arrival very much. Not as much as i am though.
it's been a very busy week and it's not over yet...but i'm handling it, without any major panic attacks (just a minor one this morning) and i am doing things the way Master has expressed He wants them. i hope that He is proud of me. :)
Tonight is my last night in this house, my last night living in the same house with my ex (that has been needed for a long, long long long time) my last night dealing with horrid neighborhood children who have done nothing but cause trouble almost since we got here years ago.
i'm feeling a lot of things right now... some good, some scary, some excited, some worried that things around this house really ARE as bad as they look and by morning it will have multiplied further, lol...
But im trying to remain calm and just keep working hard to get done so we can drive away from this place associated with so much hurt and negativity and pain and not have to look back again.
Earlier today i took the children up to Master's house (the one He leased in GA) while they hooked up internet and cable. we were there all day and it was a good day. i texted Master about various things, asking Him where He preferred dishes, which side of the bathroom sinks He wanted and other things.
i told Him that my life starts when He arrives and that couldn't be a more sincere statement. i am preparing HIS home; the home i will serve and worship Him in, the home i will take care of for Him and make as warm and loving and cozy for Him as possible. He was so missed today. i wish it had been possible for U/us to do this together somehow but two households moving together that are over 1000 miles apart are hard to coordinate. lol
So the kids and i will get things as set up as possible the way He thinks He wants them without having actually BEEN in the house. (W/we're using pictures but being here is quite the experience. i wish i could show you all a picture my daughter took of my littlest in the kid's living room that, in Master's words, makes it look like W/we have Lilliputians living in the house. She looks SO tiny compared to the size of the room, lol. She's 6 and kind of petite but she looks like she's standing in a museum the room is so large around her.
The kids loved the house more today than yesterday and really put up a fuss when it was time to come back to the house of negativity (i've come up with several nicknames for the place we're leaving today, lol) i told them and have told them several times tonight...ONE more night and we're done, hang in there.
Now i just have to tell myself that. I'm tired, sore, i miss Master, i'm still stressed, and there's still a lot to do. i truly hope i don't come across as complaining...i am So excited about the new home Master has invited the children and i to live in with Him. it will be a warm, loving home filled with laughter, happiness, and a lot of adoration of Master. But moving out of a home, however terrible it was, with 7 children, 2 dogs, 2 ferrets, a rabbit, our stuff and get everything settled and done up there at Master's home in one week has been... well let's just say i'm a bit tired, lol.
W/we had a temporary scare today when the realtor who manages the lease of Master's new home called and said they wanted to show it tomorrow to a buyer. i felt my heart stop. Master called the realtor back after reading the lease again and found the clause that stated what they were doing by showing it and so on while He had just leased it was clearly against the lease.
So they have taken the house off the market and W/we're not in danger of losing it for the next year. The plan by then is to have the log home Master wants built, so W/we won't have to worry, but for a few minutes i just sat in the ginormous Master bathroom on the edge of the garden tub (i LOVE this bathroom!) and had some pretty scary thoughts run through my head. Master took care of it though and i can breathe again. :)
So tomorrow my new life gets ready to start. a part of it starts...the part of me being in the house with the children without the negative forces of their father smashing our attempt to be happy about anything. He is poison to happiness. (the ex) and now that is out of the way. i can surround them with happiness, encouragement, laughter, and teach them Master's rules knowing that when He arrives, they will already be accustomed to how He wants things. They are looking forward to His arrival very much. Not as much as i am though.
it's been a very busy week and it's not over yet...but i'm handling it, without any major panic attacks (just a minor one this morning) and i am doing things the way Master has expressed He wants them. i hope that He is proud of me. :)
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Changes coming!
My life is getting ready to take a drastic change for the
better. Of course it won't be without bumps. As Master tells me,
there are always little bumps in the road. But i know that Master and i
can get through anything together. i am looking forward to sharing O/our journey here with my blogger friends and on Fetlife and hope that O/our experiences will be of help to some who may be in a similar situation.
i am so in love with Him, so committed and so dedicated to Him and O/our life together. i am Owned by Him mind, spirit, body, soul and heart and nothing will ever change that. He is the one i will spend the rest of my life with unless He decides otherwise and for me that is unconditional.
i've thought a lot about this and i don't make this statement lightly. There is NO ONE in my past, including the two marriage mistakes i made, KNOWING i was making them, that i saw with me down the road. With Master, i can see it vividly. He is my Master, my One True Love and i am truly blessed to be Owned by Him.
He has gotten U/us a house and He is moving here in a few months. The children and i are moving in the next couple of weeks and Master will be coming down with some things on the 1st of March. There is a lot to do...there are some stressful things to work out along the way and i know Master is feeling the strain with uprooting His entire life. He's been in the same place for 18 years. I've tried to backpedal FOR Him many times, afraid that He would regret what He is doing, but He has assured me that He has no doubts about U/us.
So i will do my best to support Him and be there for Him during this stressful time and look forward to when i can serve Him every single day, all day which is coming VERY SOON!! :)
The children are very excited both for the new house and to have Him here permanently. I am very excited to be with Him permanently and to finally, finally be away from my ex. i will be living by myself with the children for a few months before Master moves down and i'm actually looking forward to that. It'll be a time filled with getting back in control of the children without such a negative, disruptive force around every day that their father has been...things like undermining everything i try to teach them, and going against rules i have tried to establish will be a thing of the past. It will be a time where i can get them ready for Master moving to His new home and i can get rid of the bad habits that i have been dealing with due to my ex.
Master is the head of O/our home and all of the children know and respect this. it will be an adjustment, probably more for Master than the children, lol after all there are 7 of them. But they are truly good children who want to please He and i, so i know they will do their best to be good and make His adjustment as smooth as possible.
They are all excited about the fact that He will be there for all of their birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and it really makes me very emotional to know that this incredible Man not only took on a wild, fearful filly who was always running and STILL lets here fears get to her sometimes, but took on His filly's children as well.
i can't even put into words what that means to me. He is a unique and rare individual that i have massive respect and admiration for in addition to being just crazy in love with Him. The last 8 months of my life have been the BEST 8 months of my life and there's no doubt in my mind that there is a lot more best times coming.
i have my eyes open, and i know that there will be things that W/we have to discover and work through. i know myself though, and i am deeply rooted in O/our relationship as Master and slave, so there are things that i know will not be happening such as my arguing with Him, being defiant or disrespectful (i'd rather rip out my tongue) but there's a lot to learn about each other.
i am thankful to be able to call myself His slave, i am thankful that He loves me the way he does and that He wants to be with me. i am ready for this major change in my life...i have waited all my life to be with someone who really loved me, who i really loved and who was as committed to making things work as i am.
He is special...He is incredible and He is my Master... :)
i am so in love with Him, so committed and so dedicated to Him and O/our life together. i am Owned by Him mind, spirit, body, soul and heart and nothing will ever change that. He is the one i will spend the rest of my life with unless He decides otherwise and for me that is unconditional.
i've thought a lot about this and i don't make this statement lightly. There is NO ONE in my past, including the two marriage mistakes i made, KNOWING i was making them, that i saw with me down the road. With Master, i can see it vividly. He is my Master, my One True Love and i am truly blessed to be Owned by Him.
He has gotten U/us a house and He is moving here in a few months. The children and i are moving in the next couple of weeks and Master will be coming down with some things on the 1st of March. There is a lot to do...there are some stressful things to work out along the way and i know Master is feeling the strain with uprooting His entire life. He's been in the same place for 18 years. I've tried to backpedal FOR Him many times, afraid that He would regret what He is doing, but He has assured me that He has no doubts about U/us.
So i will do my best to support Him and be there for Him during this stressful time and look forward to when i can serve Him every single day, all day which is coming VERY SOON!! :)
The children are very excited both for the new house and to have Him here permanently. I am very excited to be with Him permanently and to finally, finally be away from my ex. i will be living by myself with the children for a few months before Master moves down and i'm actually looking forward to that. It'll be a time filled with getting back in control of the children without such a negative, disruptive force around every day that their father has been...things like undermining everything i try to teach them, and going against rules i have tried to establish will be a thing of the past. It will be a time where i can get them ready for Master moving to His new home and i can get rid of the bad habits that i have been dealing with due to my ex.
Master is the head of O/our home and all of the children know and respect this. it will be an adjustment, probably more for Master than the children, lol after all there are 7 of them. But they are truly good children who want to please He and i, so i know they will do their best to be good and make His adjustment as smooth as possible.
They are all excited about the fact that He will be there for all of their birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and it really makes me very emotional to know that this incredible Man not only took on a wild, fearful filly who was always running and STILL lets here fears get to her sometimes, but took on His filly's children as well.
i can't even put into words what that means to me. He is a unique and rare individual that i have massive respect and admiration for in addition to being just crazy in love with Him. The last 8 months of my life have been the BEST 8 months of my life and there's no doubt in my mind that there is a lot more best times coming.
i have my eyes open, and i know that there will be things that W/we have to discover and work through. i know myself though, and i am deeply rooted in O/our relationship as Master and slave, so there are things that i know will not be happening such as my arguing with Him, being defiant or disrespectful (i'd rather rip out my tongue) but there's a lot to learn about each other.
i am thankful to be able to call myself His slave, i am thankful that He loves me the way he does and that He wants to be with me. i am ready for this major change in my life...i have waited all my life to be with someone who really loved me, who i really loved and who was as committed to making things work as i am.
He is special...He is incredible and He is my Master... :)
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