 |
| where will my dreams take me? |
i have spent my whole life trying to make others happy. As a child, i always did what i was told to do, and always wanted people to be pleased with me. i never did get that approval from any of the women in my family, but i felt like i had my father's partial approval. He was always critiquing, always correcting, but every once in a while i got a terse...good...now keep working on it to make it even better.
As i got older, this wanting to please issue became an exercise in never doing what "i" truly wanted but always doing what others thought i should. my mother, sister, boyfriends, friends...it didn't matter. if i stated something i wanted to do or that i was thinking about doing, they would say...No you need to do THIS...and i would.
This has continued my entire life except for ONE area. The number of children i have. NONE of my pregnancies were considered reasons to celebrate by any of my family. i got pregnant intentionally with my first at 17. i wanted a baby...so...i got pregnant. That little baby was my world. i didn't have another baby until 6 years later and the first thing my mother said was..."well i hope you don't expect me to babysit"
i was shocked but assured her that my reasons for having another child had nothing to do with having her babysit. (thanks mom) and so it went...every announcement of a new pregnancy was met with disgust, anger, belittling me and so on from pretty much EVERYONE in my family. i did have friends who were supportive, but other than that, it was me and the new baby. Even my exes (husband at the time) were not involved. so i never had that "dream pregnancy" i was always watching on those baby shows on tv.
i remember when i had my fourth child, my first with my second husband, it was the middle of the night and i could hear the people in the next room who were getting ready to have their baby. There were TONS of people there, and you could hear all this celebrating, all this laughter and happiness... the father came out of the room to get a special gift he had bought for his wife for right after she had the child...(i could hear him talking to the nurse at the desk)
i held my son and vowed to him, crying the whole time that when HE got married and had children with his wife, i would celebrate each and every pregnancy and make it a celebration. But despite that reception i always got, that was the one area in my life i didnt let them dictate for some reason.
i wanted a large family my whole life. And by god they were NOT taking THAT away from me. i've given up so many dreams over the years...so many things i had put on my list of things i want to do in my life, that i started to do and as soon as i got their disapproval, i gave it up.
Now, this was MY fault, i make no mistake about that. and i can't exactly even tell you why i gave up so many things. But recently there has been something that has been on my mind that i started doing the same thing with and through discussions with my Master and really giving this some deep thought, i am not going to allow myself to fall into that same pattern.
I think after 43 years it's time to do some things for myself. Now my life is my Master's. And permission for anything i want to do comes from Him. But if i ask Him if it's okay for me to do these things and He says yes, then that's it...NO ONE else will be allowed to stop me through the measures they've always used which is belittling and massive guilt trips. No one will be able to change my mind. My Master has all say over my life, but i know He wants me to be happy too and He will take into consideration anything i ask Him permission for. it certainly doesn't mean He will say yes to it...but i know He will consider it and if He feels it is good for me and for U/us and tells me i can, then i'm doing it!
it's taken me a long time to reach this point and even still there is this rock in the pit of my stomach sometimes when i think about having to go up against so many people just to do things that i'd like to do, when THEY can make decisions for their own lives at will and consider no one but themselves. THAT is okay....the rules for ali are different. They always have been and i've allowed that.
From now on there is ONE person in my life who has the complete and total right to make decisions for me and that is my Master. Everyone else will need to step aside and worry about themselves for a change. I'm going to go be happy with my Master and my kids and make those dreams come true that i have inside me. (with Master's approval of course, lol)
sometimes i wonder why it has taken me SO long to learn these lessons. i'm teaching my kids to go after their dreams and be true to themselves early in life so they can avoid making the mistakes i did by letting others who had no right to dictate my paths.
